


i still think about you sometimes, pondering what it could've been

by 221b_quote, foreverunsolved (221b_quote)



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, Cisco needs a hug, Crying, Dead Barry Allen, M/M, Men Crying, Song Lyrics, Song fic, cisco blames himself - Freeform, death mentioned (a lot) but not explained, dream of you mxmtoon - Freeform, let cisco be happy 2020, let cisco ramon cry 2020, not really a definite setting time-wise but it’s sometime during s6 but not during crisis, some are just mentioned, west fam and team gathering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-09
Updated: 2020-01-09
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:06:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22180759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/221b_quote/pseuds/221b_quote, https://archiveofourown.org/users/221b_quote/pseuds/foreverunsolved
Summary: Cisco sings a song to his boyfriend.(lyrics and title from “dream of you” by mxmtoon)
Relationships: Barry Allen/Cisco Ramon
Comments: 1
Kudos: 12





	i still think about you sometimes, pondering what it could've been

**Author's Note:**

> the song in this fic is “dream of you” by mxmtoon. i recommend listening to the acoustic version as you read!
> 
> plain text - current time  
> bold - song lyrics  
> italics - in cisco’s head

In recent years, Team Flash had pestered Cisco and Barry into singing a song at holiday gatherings. The two were the most musically talented couple in the group; Joe and Harry not wanting to sing duets, and Wally not always available for gatherings. The two often sang Christmas carols and patriotic songs, but occasionally the cheesy, romantic duet that had others in the group turning to mouth lyrics to their significant others.

Cisco would pull out his guitar, and Barry would set up stools in the middle of the room, and everyone would grow quiet. 

Despite this tradition, everyone found it a surprise when Cisco pulled out his guitar and set up a stool for himself.

He shuffled on the stool for a minute before clearing his throat, looking up, and saying, "This song is dedicated to my wonderful boyfriend, Barry."

**"I had a dream about you last night**

**At first I took it as a sign"**

_ It had been the most pleasant dream Cisco had experienced in a while.  _

_ It had been years in the future. Barry had asked Cisco to marry him, and Cisco had said, "Yes. Yes! A thousand million times yes!" _

_ They'd married. It had been a beautiful ceremony. Everyone was there -- Henry, Nora, Joe, Iris, Eddie, Ronnie, Caitlin, Harry, Jesse, Wally, HR, Dante, Cisco's parents -- and everyone was smiling and happy for them. _

_ Years later they'd had a daughter they named Nora, after Barry's mother of course. Raising her was a stumbling process of ups and downs and  _ maybe this _ es and  _ I don't know _ s. But they'd have help, and they'd get through it in time. Raising Nora would be an adventure that the two would savor every minute of. _

_ When Nora grew to be nine the two would embark on another journey yet again -- this one with the name Dante. He was a little easier, but there were still bumps in the road.  _

_ Cisco wouldn't trade this dream life for anything. _

**"Some things are better left alone**

**So I told myself it's fine"**

_ Cisco quickly knew that this was a dream. He just wouldn't let himself believe it at first. _

**"Our time was short and sweet and simple**

**Uncomplicated by the past**

**Exchanging words in points of quiet**

**Unaware of who'd talk last"**

_ In hindsight, Cisco hadn't known Barry for very long. Barry had come into his life just short of six years ago. As soon as he woke, Barry and Cisco had become quick friends. Running around the city, talking into mics, saving people.  _

**"We gelled quickly and in seconds**

**I thought that I'd known you for years**

**You'd think that we'd have lasted longer**

**But I wouldn't shed a tear"**

_ Their friendship had been instant and before long Cisco had felt as if he  _ had  _ known Barry his whole life. Cisco knew by their first kiss that they'd spend forever together.  _

_ Or that they should have. _

_ When Cisco had watched Barry die in front of him, he'd promised himself that he'd mourn him through the funeral. From the second Barry took his last breath until the last guest left the funeral reception, Cisco Ramon's life would be on hold. He'd get out every tear, every bad thought, every feeling of helplessness. He stayed holed up in his apartment, not caring who came and went, hoping one of them would tell him this was all some cruel joke or a bad dream. No one did. _

_ After the funeral, he never allowed himself to shed a tear, to miss a day of work, to feel the sadness or anger or denial that ached in his bones. _

Cisco forced himself to look up from the guitar sitting in his lap. The room was filled with people on the verge of tears. For a second Cisco let himself think that it was unfair; unfair that they were allowed to outwardly show their hurt and sorrow, but he had to hide it away; unfair that he made them feel like this on a day that's supposed to be about happiness and family; unfair that Barry had been taken from them.

**"I had a dream about you last night**

**Your figure warm and far away**

**I had a dream about you last night**

**Eyes shut hoping you'd stay"**

_ That morning Cisco had only barely opened his eyes when he realized that this dream life -  _ this Barry  _ \- was only a dream. That the dream was slipping from his mind's fingers like sand. He'd squished his eyes closed, hoping that forcing them shut would give him more time with the man he loved. _

**"But I think fondly of our time**

**Exchanging laughs and songs alike**

**You were the sugar to my sour**

**A sheer joy so childlike"**

_ They’d had so much fun together. It hurt to think it was over. Even when presented with life-threatening danger, they’d laughed and sung and loved each other.  _

_ In Cisco’s dream, Barry sang a song to propose. It was so cheesy that the two had laughed as happy tears fell from their eyes. _

_ Barry has been the light in Cisco’s life. When Cisco felt like dying, Barry had always come to hours rescue. He brought an almost childlike hope to the most pessimistic of team members. _

**“And now I see from a distance**

**I watch you flourish from afar**

**Sending thoughts and all well wishes**

**Writing this song on my guitar”**

_ He’d never see Barry again, and the thought broke his heart more than his brother’s death had. (Cisco sometimes regretted how mad he’d been when Barry came back; how much time he’d wasted with annoyance and anger; how much he’d pushed Barry away when he should’ve held the speedster close.)  _

_ It had been his fault (or at least he thought it was).  _ Cisco _ had urged Barry to rush into the fight.  _ Cisco  _ hadn’t protected him.  _ Cisco  _ couldn’t save the man that had saved everyone else. _

_ He hoped that Barry was safe in the afterlife. Whether the afterlife was heaven or hell or the speedforce. Cisco hopes that Barry was safe and happy and not killing himself over all of this like Cisco was every day. Cisco hoped Barry wasn’t in the speedforce. Who knew what it would be like for the dead in there? Who knew if Cisco would ever see Barry again if he was in the speedforce? _

**“I had a dream about you last night**

**Your figure warm and far away**

**I had a dream about you last night**

**Eyes shut hoping you'd stay”**

_ Cisco has tried to vibe some of Barry’s stuff. Maybe, if he was strong enough, he’d be able to see him or  _ talk  _ to him even. (He told people it was only once or twice, but he tried every day. He couldn’t help but  _ try _.) He’d walk over to Barry’s favorite shirt or his favorite book or the Flash suit (Minus the emblem; Barry had been buried with that.) or his tombstone. It never worked. _

**“And I still think about you sometimes**

**Pondering what it could've been**

**But I would never trade the time we had**

**For all of that was a win”**

_ Cisco thought about Barry every day, no matter what was happening. He did everything for Barry. He hoped that everything he did would make Barry proud or happy. Cisco thought every day about what they could have done if Barry was still there.  _

**“I had a dream about you last night**

**And you said your last goodbye**

**I woke up to wipe my tears**

**Although I said I'd never cry”**

_ They’d tried to keep it quiet, let Barry Allen have a normal funeral, but Cisco had been too distraught (too caught up holding his dying lover and crying and getting the last exchange of “ _ I love you”s  _ in before time ran out because the moment Barry had fallen Cisco knew he wouldn’t make it) to push the crowd and reporters and first responders away. The Flash’s identity had been revealed in the aftermath of the most painful nights of Cisco’s life. Barry Allen was celebrated as a hero just as the Flash always was. Barry Allen was a household name.  _

Cisco looked up from his guitar as he strummed the last chords. Tears welled in his eyes, and many people had tears openly flowing down their cheeks. He made a moment of eye contact with Joe, and the older man nodded softly at him in thanks. 

Iris moved to him, grabbed the guitar from his hands when he was finished, and set it gently on the floor. Silently, she wiped his eyes and engulfed him in a tight embrace. After a moment, she whispered, “He loved you so much, and he’d wanted to share forever with you. It’s okay to cry. No one will be mad at you for grieving.”

Suddenly, Cisco thought for the first time (consciously, anyway) about how upset he was that he’d never be apart of Barry’s amazing family, not officially.

And for the first time since the funeral, Cisco cried.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you liked this! leave a comment with your thoughts if you wish! 
> 
> also i’m sorry i did this to my boys. writing barry as dead physically hurt.


End file.
